I was talking with Scary on Monday about HPC and discussing the whole situation. He pointed out that it sounds like the script to a movie. I thought that was hilariously insightful. Let’s see if you agree. If it is good, maybe we could send it in to Pixar and we could all be played by computer-generated characters (like, say, penguins!). Sadly though, it’d probably fit better as a chick-flick, so we need to use real people. Here’s my thoughts.
Ok, so I’d be played by someone with a similar demeanor – and, optimally, sick dance skills like Chris Brown. Seriously though, I think I should be that asian dude from the classic movie “Bloodsport“ because, hey, he’s asian, and he’s freaking awesome. Plus we could put a few sweet fight scenes in there and maybe get a cameo from Jean-Claude Van Damme. I think he’d have to bulk up a little bit to play me accurately though, right? Also probably cut that hair a little bit. I wonder if he gets the Asian flush when he drinks?
The movie would open with the way I met HPC and the flurry of events after that. That’s real Hollywood material. Seriously, you really couldn’t come up with anything better. Also it’d be based on real events, so it’d be that much better, especially with a soundtrack (preferably all by Taylor Swift, if she’s available). That would be Act 1.
Act 2 would be after the honey-moon period. It would start delving into the complicating factors, and what better way to intervene than using ex-boyfriends? It turns out that she’s got pretty much the three stereotypical movie-exes.
First, she has the ex who we will call family ex. You all know who I’m talking about, the ex who tries to get her back through her family. Regardless of the breakup, her family adores this guy and they want her to get back together with him. Meanwhile, his logic is something like this: even though she doesn’t see him doesn’t mean her family has to stop seeing him, right? Right?
For example, family ex literally sent her picture-messages of him rock-climbing with her sisters a few days ago. And captioned it, “Wish you were here” or something inappropriate to say to someone you are no longer dating. I picture family ex as sort of a whiny suck-up like David Schwimmer from “Friends.”
Second, she has the ex who we will call cool guy ex. Again, you all know who I’m talking about, the ex who has a super-relaxed Califonia-attitude about everything. You notice he says “Hella,” “Bro,” “Dude,” “Props,” “Mad,” or “Righteous” every other word. And also he totally must be learning how to play or “jam” on the guitar.
Without getting too specific, cool guy ex lives in Central America (real quick, let me clarify: Central America as in Mexico-ish, not like Nebraska) and he’s a professional surfer. How is anyone supposed to compete with that? He moved out to the Caribbean to pursue his passion of surfing. Therefore, mostly because he is a surfer, I picture him as a free-spirited dude, complete with long hair, spiritual tattoos, wearing a speedo and a sick surfboard. I would cast Russell Brand from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”
And lastly, she has an ex who we will call immature ex. Again, you know who I’m talking about. The one who acts like an immature idiot. This is the ex who treats a girl like crap; and when you’re a girl from ages 18-22, you tolerate it. Girls are not surprised to get cheated on, ignored/rebuked in public, and ridiculed for their weight/looks/personality with this type of guy. Girls expect this type of guy to stand them up and not call them except for “cleverly-disguised” 3 AM booty calls. We all know guys that went out and did something (or someone) stupid while they were still in a relationship
I think we all know guys like that because they openly mock their girlfriend/fiance/wife when they’re not around. These guys are the reason why women can’t trust men. And yet somehow these guys manage to always date the best girls.
Anyways (sorry, getting off-topic), one of HPC’s exes can be described perfectly as immature ex and to no surprise, all he ended up doing was not treating her like a wonderful lady and then splintered her heart. I picture immature ex as the rich jerk played by Bradley Cooper in “Wedding Crashers.”
However, immature ex needs to be much less attractive (no homo) than whoever is playing me in this movie. So, use Bradley Cooper mannerisms but make him more like this dude shown below, who I have to assume can only be named Igor. Ok that was a little harsh (poor guy). So I apologize Igor, if you’re reading this, I’m sure you have a great personality. I guess that’s what you get for being in the top 10 search results for “ugly dude” on Google Image Search. Well, hey, you could get famous off this movie!
Anyways, we’re finishing out Act 2 and I guess we’re about to start the tedious denouement section of this awesome movie. We’ll see where HPC takes me. I’m interested. This is the fun part. I would argue this would be one of the best based-on-real-life movies ever. Email me your favorite stories and I’ll post the best ones!
I think I’m in good shape: she likes me (at least a little bit), and also there’s a reason that those other guys are ex-boyfriends. And if this plays out like the movie, it’s gotta end well. And if it doesn’t, we have the workings of one of the best based-on-real-life movies ever made. In the movie, these guys will be so freaking extreme that it’d just be ridiculous if the protagonist (asian-fighter-dude) didn’t end up getting the girl. Especially if we get Taylor Swift for the soundtrack.
Lots of love and acknowledgments to Dr. Scary for the ideas for this post!!
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