If you’re a chick, it’s understandable if you don’t know what an NRB is. You see, it’s a problem with only guys. NRB is an acronym for no-reason-boner. It’s mostly a growing (pun intended) problem for teenage guys. It strikes out of nowhere, that’s the problem. Otherwise you could, I don’t know, plan for it. Anyways, NRBs do happen later in life. If you’re a guy, you already know what I’m talking about. Here are some of my more memorable NRBs:
You’re talking with one of your research advisers, who is screaming into the microphone during a teleconference because he doesn’t realize that technology has advanced slightly and WHAM! NRB. No problem, you slouch under the meeting table a little more..
You’re meeting your girlfriend’s dad and he shakes your hand with his free hand – other hand on his rifle (not that “rifle”) – and WHAM! NRB. Sort of problem, you smile weakly and excuse yourself to the restroom..
You’re getting ready to go running, you’ve put on your compression shorts, and slipping your sneakers on and WHAM! NRB. Large problem, you can’t run (well) like that, but you’ve gotta power through it, son. I got some weird looks from other runners..
By far, here’s my favorite WHAM! NRB story:
I’m at the airport, standing in line for the security checkpoint. After waiting for, I don’t know, 15 minutes, I am about 3-4 people away from the ID-checking officer. I check to make sure I have my plane ticket and license and WHAM! NRB. I’m thinking, “Great. This couldn’t have happened any earlier? .. Oh well, too late now, and I’ve dealt with more potentially embarrassing situations, right? Plus, I’m not wearing those pants that Amy/Becky picked out for me, so they’re not skin-tight. Plus, I’ve got a coat, I can hide it. Plus, it’ll go down by the time I get to the actual security checkpoint (plus, I’ll negate the NRB by looking at that vaguely-Shquonda-like-woman).”
So I hand the dude my license and ticket, no problem. Waves me through. I go to put my carry-on onto the conveyor belt. I then realize that 1) Though not Amy/Becky-approved, I am wearing skinny jeans, 2) I have to put the coat into the x-ray scanner, 3) NRB has not gone away. At all. In fact, I’d say it’s probably gotten worse.
So I try to shift my NRB into a more inconspicuous location. Not working. And the latex-gloved security guard is getting restless and I’m starting to hold up the line. Well, great, here I go. I awkwardly waddle up to the cordoned-off area. As I step up, Lady Security Guard peers out from behind the metal detector, and calls me out immediately.
Lady Security Guard: “Sir, you need to empty out the contents of your pocket.”
Me: “Ummm. Yeah, I don’t have anything.”
LSG: “Sir, you’d be surprised at what sets this metal detector off. Even wallets and rings sometimes set it off. Are you sure you don’t have anything in your pockets?”
Me: “Ummm. Yeah, I don’t have anything.”
LSG: *Exasperated* “Ok, fine, walk through slowly.”
The machine is completely silent. I’m free!!
But the irascible security guard was not satisfied. LSG halts me and gets on her walkie-talkie and calls for “male security at the gate.” So she’s giving me a smug look, and I’m cringing at thinking I’m about to get a full-body cavity search yet the NRB is still there. And it’s even worse. So “male security” arrives. In stride, he expertly puts on a glove – no he snaps on a glove.
At this point, I’ve given up on trying to get rid of the NRB. I mean, at this point, it “looks like a bunch of sausage stuffed into a bag” (Jenna Marbles quote). Male Security Guard quizzically looks at LSG and me and back at LSG – obviously he knows what’s up: he’s had an unfortunate NRB incident too. Anyways, he reluctantly pokes my pocket/crotch area with his finger (not a euphemism).
And I proudly and loudly proclaim, “Yeah, that’s all me.”
It. Was. Awesome.
I’m not sure where the cleverness came from, but it was perfect timing combined with imaginative wit. Anyways, Male Security Guard shakes his head, most likely disgusted, and motions me on with his latex glove.
I know every guy has got a hilarious NRB story. E-mail me some of your favorite NRB stories and I’ll post the top ones. Hey if Male Security Guard is reading this, I especially want to hear from you!
Airplane link: Please turn off all electronic devices for take off and landing
My second best line ever here