Terms of endearment (part 2)

Few quick notes and then we start the fun:

1.   This is a borderline not safe for work (NSFW) post.
2.   Read the previous post – “Terms of endearment part 1” if you don’t know what’s going on.
3.   We are grading girlfriendness, which I have abbreviated GFN.
4.   GFN goes up to A+ (where she is your girlfriend).
5.   DISCLAIMER: All of these names are made up. And the situations are made up. So don’t accuse me of being a man-whore because these hypothetical scenarios did not happen (to me). However, some/most may be based upon situations which have happened to one or more of my friends.

Ok here we go..

A booty call is that special someone you just have sex with. You typically only call/text/sext them after being out at the bar. You can only contact them in the early hours of the morning and always quietly pack up, and walk-of-shame back home. Depending on how she’s stored in the phone, her GFN can be anywhere from a F (“Tits Magee” or “No Gag Reflex Rachel” is probably not a good start) to D (“Tiffany Anderson” or “Melissa Smith” is much better). Sorry, she’s just not girlfriend material.

This is typically the extent of your texting:
“SOOOO What’re you doing?”
“It’s 3 AM on a Wednesday, I was sleeping.”
“Ok, well I’m coming over with vodka and a box of condoms.”
“….wow.”
“What I’m just being straight with you.”
“Ugh, fine. Give me 10 minutes. Go around back so no one sees you”
“I’ll give you something else”

Basically the same thing as a booty call is the friend with benefits. The main difference is you (probably) know her name. You’ve actually had a conversation with her and you’ve had her in compromising positions (pun intended) on a few occasions. This is a chick who you legitimately like to spend time with, have no problem introducing to your friends and parents, but who you don’t want to go to the farmer’s market with (not a euphemism). Depending on how she’s stored in the phone, her GFN can be C- (“Horse-face” is definitely not good) up to a maximum value of B- (“Mel R.” is good because it’s a non-demeaning and you’re on a shortened-name-basis). Remember, you like to spend time with her, so she’s got potential down the road, but she is a friend with benefits. So she has a ceiling.

Friend: Did you pull an “all-nighter” with Lizzy from chem?
You: Yes.
Friend: Nice. So is she coming out with us tonight?
You: Nah, she’s just a friend. I want to talk to other chicks.

A subset of FWB is someone you are hooking up with. It’s definitely more classy than the booty call. You see her regularly for just sex, but you don’t want the title. And your relationship is based upon the number of times you can fit in a session on your bed/futon/car/floor/window/table/car/shower/boss’s desk. This one doesn’t really matter how she’s stored in the phone, she’s got a GFN of C (which coincidentally is probably her bra size too). The no-dating thing can be initiated by either party or it can be forced through friend-zoning.

Friend: Dude, you have been spending a lot of time with her.
You: Don’t worry. It’s just sex. No commitments, we’re just hooking up.
Friend: Bro, don’t do it. The FWB situation never ends well.

Sidenote: The FWB situation never ends well.

We can also put ex with sex into this section. It’s pretty self-explanatory: an ex you’re still banging out. She’s kind of a FWB, but she’s not technically a friend, she’s always going to be an ex. She’s in your phone as simply “Crazy ex.” GFN of C.

So moving to a less overtly sexual overtone, we move to hanging out. Back in the days when our parents were meeting (before online dating), this was a drive-in movie and some malt shakes. Today, it only means you’re spending time together, and maybe hooking up. But it’s not all about the sex, and you actually like to spend time with this chick. She’s in your phone on shortened-name-basis, but always present in your recent calls list. Her GFN is pretty much a B-, with a high possibility of moving up to the next category.

Friend: Are you guys dating?
You: Nah, we’re just hanging out.

The next level is tricky. I decided to put dating here. So basically you’ve gone on a few dates with this chick. This part is very subjective because you’re going out on dates, but different people tend to see this in different ways. We break this down into casual dating and exclusive dating. GFN ranges from B all the way up to the maximum score of A+.

Friend: Are you guys dating?
You: Yeah, we’ve been out a couple of times.
Friend: Exclusive dating or casual dating?

If you don’t know the answer to this question, then you are probably casually dating. This term is super versatile especially if you’re a man-whore. This situation has gotten very ambiguous, but as far as I can tell, it’s marginally more serious than just dating or FWB, but it’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I mean, if you’re willing to hear the word “relationship” without running for the hills then it’s a good sign. I mean, you still haven’t changed your Facebook/G+ status so it’s not official yet, right? However, just by having this title you’re sending the signal that you’re not interested in getting serious (just yet). She’s stored in your phone on a first name basis even though there are other girls with the same name, she’s special enough.  She’s might even be stored in your phone in your speed-dial. But definitely only by first name only. GFN of B+.

Between casual dating but before exclusive dating is a special limbo land called seeing someone. You’ve gone on a couple of dates and somehow both of you still manage to like each other. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re exclusive, but you’re not casually dating either. At this point it’s fair to casually ask if she’s seeing anyone else. There is a caveat, if either of you says you want to see other people, you’re done. “I think we should see other people” does not mean “I want to see other people and also you.” In terms of phone, she’s definitely speed-dial. She might even be stored as a pet-name. GFN of A

Also, as another subset of dating, we have (thanks to Zuckerberg) it’s complicated. This term can be used to describe everything from multiple hook-up buddies to being divorced but still living with your ex. She’s probably just getting out of a relationship and is not ready to date for awhile. Then again, it can also mean that she wants to have no-commitment-sex when she’s lonely/horny/bored. She’s probably in your phone as simply “WTF.”

In my experience, when people use either “it’s complicated” or “seeing someone” it’s another way of saying they neither of them knows what the heck is going on. Sometimes it’s used when you’re really into someone, but can’t commit for one reason or another. Both people are interested in the other. But neither wants to put forth the idea of being a formal couple.

Lastly, exclusively dating is where you’re actually a full-on couple. You’re dating. There’s no gray area. She’s in your phone as some inside joke (“Crystal ball”) or a pet name (“honey bunny cupcakes”). Alternatively, she could be named ironically funny (“Ball and chain”, “Woman”, “Wifers” or “Baby Mama” all work well). You’ve probably already memorized Verizon’s phone plans in order to avoid paying thousands of dollars in overage fees. GFN of A+.

You know, actually, it is quite common to pass through the entire spectrum. For example, you’ve probably heard, “Well we were hooking up, then we were casually dating, then we were exclusive, then we broke up, but we still do ex with sex sometimes. So I guess, overall, it’s complicated.”

That’s what’s complicated?

Chris

Related links
Terms of endearment (part 1)
Terms of endearment (part 3)
Terms of endearment (part 4)
A night to remember
Katie G part 2: Saturday, the Boston night
Katie G: part 5, flower-filled outrage
Katie G part 7: More confusion

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11 thoughts on “Terms of endearment (part 2)

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