At Vancouver, Teriyaki sat down and jokingly stated that he had met the love of his life. But instead of being uncontrollably excited, he seemed crestfallen, so I asked about it. I mean, he seemed like he was about ready to break down sobbing (Ok, it wasn’t that bad, but it adds to the story, right?). So he explained that she was engaged.
Ouch. A Vancouver-Muschamp face just isn’t enough. What about this completely out of context picture (which was taken at Slammer)?
So I said, “Don’t worry, dude, he’s probably some hulking ex British (one of the few with good teeth) special forces guy. And she met him at school, so how are you supposed to compete with that?!”
At this point, friend #2 chimes in, “.. he probably is knighted and went to Oxford on a full ride for rugby.”
I add, “.. they met while he was on his medical fellowship at UCLA.”
Teriyaki, starting to get into it, says, “Yeah, he’s got to be a pediatric cardiovascular surgeon who receives many Christmas cards from families of children he saved.”
Friend #2: “.. who is now a medical consultant to the prime minister.”
So by this point, we all really started getting into it about how ridiculous this guy must be.
Here’s a partial list of attributes this guy has..
He possesses no detectable physical flaws except a small scar on the back of his right thigh which occurred when Zorro snuck up on him and started to emblazen him with his “Z.” Zorro was so humiliated by his opponent’s display of skill that he retired.
He never swears and will eventually run for public office. He is satisfied with his current status as almost-royalty which stems from his ridiculously rich endowment from oil money. He is on a first-name basis with the deans of Cambridge, but he went to Oxford because his family had 3 previous generations of All-American (All-European??) rugby players.
His family owns a castle in Scotland which is their permanent residence, and in the summers they live in a high rise condo in Duabai. His family is so well-known that he invited himself to the royal wedding and Kate personally thanked him for coming, in relief. Apparently Prince William’s personal choir of singing doves – which would sing the wedding information – were stopped by his personal security unit. He personally trains this security unit to use non-lethal combat techniques which he developed and are named after him. Fortunately, while sitting in his tower, his eighth sense (he started out with 7) told him that there was potential animal cruelty and he sprinted down the stairs to hurl his body onto the messenger doves to protect them from harm. The doves fell in love with him instantly, and forgot their purpose was to deliver a message. Somehow the doves learned to talk and named their baby doves after him.
In addition to being an MD, he also has a JD. When he took the bar exam he got a perfect score in addition to finishing the two-day exam in about one hour, in immaculate handwriting, using a pen (he doesn’t use erasers because he doesn’t make mistakes). This pen was made of 100% recycled materials and was made at the recycling factory he helped to build, his family funds, and he volunteers at. He also uses his pen as a guest columnist for GQ and Forbes; and a rugby expert for ESPN. He is the sole judge for US News & World Report rankings. Also, he is an ambassador for England and is spearheading (and personally financing) the effort to bring the internet to impoverished countries.
He was one of the founders of Big Brothers/Big Sisters. He wrote up the entire business plan when he was in 2nd grade as part of his summer vacation project. In other community work, this guy also teaches baby seals how to fend for themselves if their parents are killed by sea lions.
Also at the bar exam, he wore a good-luck charm from his first pediatric cardiovascular surgeon transplant where he donated half of his own heart to a child.. after his bone-marrow transplant for the same child’s brother.
He now uses his lawyering skills to sue other doctors for malpractice suits, but only to gain custody of patients, who he then treats for free (at a 100% success rate). He runs multiple marathons – per day – to help fundraise for these children. He uses his multiple athletic endorsements from these marathons to start a college scholarship fund for these children as well as to provide high-tech clothing similar to the UnderArmor Attack Series or Nike Flight. He also provides free memberships to his 10 million square foot personal gym to anyone who asks.
In his spare time, he puts his magical hands to work as a sculptor and also became a fully-licensed masseuse. Also he takes piano lessons with Elton John, vocal lessons from Michael Buble, and he helps them write lyrics.
And one time, at the bar, he won a game of Connect Four in three moves. Ok, so if you don’t get the idea yet, picture what would happen if Taylor Swift and Jenna Marbles somehow had a child: this guy would be him (Does anyone else find my #1/#2 combination unusual?).
Don’t worry, that impressive list of accomplishments doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, this girl’s fiancee has anger management issues and is the conqueror type who will cheat on her within 12 months. If it’s meant to be – and it is – it’ll happen.
Teriyaki will eventually get his girl.
Acknowledgments to Mike W and Teriyaki for ideas for this post!!