Show me your TDs (part 1)

This past weekend, I did my first few mock drafts in preparation of the 2011 FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON!! The NFL lockout this year erased any pre-season drama. Really, I had almost forgotten about FF until the NFL free agent frenzy these past weeks. FF is back on the map, and it’s swept the nation faster than a playoff series against the Miami Heat (that’s certainly a terrible analogy, but it doesn’t matter because Miami still lost). I’m pretty excited for this season. I’m coming off a pretty good season playing only 10-team leagues last year: two 2nd place finishes, one 3rd place finish.

I don’t think I’m the only one who feels like America has lost millions of hours of work due to FF. I check for updates whenever I can on Sundays. For example, traffic lights – “yeah, I don’t need to look up, someone’ll let me know when it’s green by honking” …  or an important meeting – “excuse me, I have to take this call”… or a public urinal – “oh well, I never really liked these shoes anyways”

I’ve recommissioned the Florida league from last year (“Lord have percy!”) where I finished 2nd place. I didn’t win because Scary was ahead of me on the waiver wires and snatched Michael Vick off waivers, single-handedly winning the league. So I’m excited to be commissioner again and maybe we will expand from 10- to 12-teams this year. That way, I will be a superior person to 11 other people when I win, instead of just 9. Yahoo! is again shamelessly feeding the FF frenzy by using a timer to countdown the seconds (literally) until the draft begins.

It struck me recently, how diverse drafts have gotten. First, there’s the public online draft. You know the kind that invariably has some idiot with a stupid screen-name like “FALCON4 LiFe GUNzzzz BLAZ1NG.” Where do I even begin: first, buy a keyboard that has a caps lock key. Secondly, you are not part of the Atlanta Falcons, unless you secretly have a gambling addiction (which actually happens a lot: at least 25 NFL players face discipline for gaming investment), so don’t use “we.” Third, why are you in in a  public league? Do you have no friends? Fourth, FALCON4 LiFe probably does online dating and also sits around doing the awkward turtle all day. Fifth, what does your screen-name even mean? It grammatically doesn’t make sense. Lastly, they have some stupid avatar which I will let speak for itself.

or, my personal favorite..

Next type of draft: private online draft. If you’ve ever been a commissioner, you know that come draft time, you always inevitably end up with an odd number of teams. So you’re frantically scrambling to pick up one more manager. It could be anyone. It invariably ends up being someone’s friend’s roommate’s boss’s nephew’s 12-year-old friend from summer internship. Ironically it ends up being someone like the aforementioned FALCON4 LiFe who has not been invited to any other league.

The worst part about FALCON4 LiFe is the fact that he is a dick who chimes in after each and every pick in the chat window about how stupid everyone else’s picks are. After picking up Player X in round 9, he says (with caps lock of course) that “IT’S OVER I JUST WON IT ALL” with that shrewd pick. “How did no one else pick him up? It’s crazy, you’re all chumps.” “I can’t believe X was still sitting there.”

Within a couple of weeks, Player X will either suffer a season-ending injury in the preseason or he’ll just be benched. But, FALCON4 LiFe will hold the player on his bench way too long just out of pride. Every day he reassuringly mutters under his breath to himself “any day now… any day.” I guess it’s kind of satisfying at the end of the year because this guy never wins and his master plan epic-ly failed. Sidenote: FALCON4 LiFe could be the cousin of Teriyaki’s Nemesis.

Next kind of draft: public live draft. This is what you see in “The League” (a TV show about FF which is surprisingly funny). This event is actually a giant bender disguised as a draft, characterized with a drunken crowd of jersey-wearing dudes screaming and throwing temper tantrums. Contrary to what he says, the disheveled guy next to you with potato chip oil on his pants does not have a direct line to mini-camp, is not smarter then you, and is NOT your friend (“take an elite kicker second round, dude”). Oh and there has to be giant ceiling-to-floor draft board.

You hope that the host forgets to take down the draft boards and gets raided by Delta Team 5. Why? Because a terror-cell tip was called in about a few giant posters with arrows pointing to major cities (ie. Jacksonville, New York, LA, San Francisco, and Dallas) and words like “Muhammed Massaquoi,” “BYE date,” and references to “dropping the Bomb.”

Next kind of draft: private live draft. There’s usually a ton of money at stake. It’s an invite-only, ultra-exclusive league with esoteric rules and exceptions, and a limited number of seats. These drafts are the ones with a secret password rasped quietly to a pair of eyes asking you questions through a peep hole. “In 2008, how many yards did AP have in total offense?” “Who is WR4 for Washington?” Then they ask you for a password and the entry fee. Making a Muschamp face, they hand you a black hooded robe and mask while they solemnly beckon you to the dungeons stairs. “Do not open the first door, proceed to the second door. STAY AWAY FROM THE FIRST DOOR”

Turns out FALCON4LiFe is behind the first door, uncontrollably sobbing while bemoaning his terrible luck.


Related links
Show me your TDs (part 2)
Show me your TDs (part 3)
I found Jenna Marbles first so back the F up
Hotel intimacy
T-shirt Canon
Snowstorm Girls part 1 – The introduction
Katie G part 7: More confusion


14 thoughts on “Show me your TDs (part 1)

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