For those of you who do not obsessively follow Taylor Swift and everything about her, she is the recent cover-girl for Vogue. She sings a lot about how she felt alienated in middle school and in the Vogue interview she rants about this – going so far as name-dropping one of her middle school classmates..“So . . . middle school? Awkward,” she says, launching into the first of many comic riffs. “Having a hobby that’s different from everyone else’s? Awkward. Singing the national anthem on weekends instead of going to sleepovers? More awkward. Braces? Awkward. Gain a lot of weight before you hit the growth spurt? Awkward. Frizzy hair, don’t embrace the curls yet? Awkward. Try to straighten it? Awkward!” She starts to laugh. “So many phases!” “There’s always that seventh-grade girl who looks like she’s 25 & you’re like, How do you do it? How do you do it, Sarah Jaxheimer?” She lets out a comically ear-piercing shriek: “Why is your hair always so shiny?!”
Ouch. I’d wager that in the next few days, Ms. Jaxheimer is about to get 1 million more Google searches than she has in the past 20 years of her life. Not gonna lie, I definitely Googled her, and she indeed does have shiny hair (but was she ever a model for a shampoo? No. Advantage: Taylor).
Well, it turns out that I wasn’t the only one inquisitive about her – Sarah Jaxheimer did an interview with the tabloids. Personally, I immediately thought that Sarah Jaxheimer was the source of hatred for Taylor’s most famous songs, (especially “You belong with me”) but Sarah Jaxheimer wasn’t a cheerleader, she was a volleyball player. So, there goes that theory. But wait, she was indeed one of the popular girls, saying she “can’t really relate to the experiences in Taylor’s songs… I love her music and I listen to the songs about how middle school was hard. I don’t relate because I loved it.”
So maybe Sarah Jaxheimer wasn’t the whole popular-cheerleader-archetype. Well, I still maintain she was at least part of it because she was popular. Most likely due to her amazing glowing hair. Ha, look at Taylor now (Advantage: Taylor) – she’s a freaking model for shampoo! Well, don’t look at TSwizzle’s hair now – for some unthinkable reasons she got rid of her curls about a month ago. That’s like slapping God in the face. Those curls are a gift to mankind. Adding bangs is lame. But I guess that’s a phase that every girl has to go through.
If you want shiny hair like Sarah Jaxheimer, she doesn’t reveal any secret methods or rituals: “I’ve never really done anything special. I just buy whatever shampoo and conditioner I think smells good.” Sure you do, Sarah Jaxheimer. I figured out your secret ingredient: the tears of other girls that you tormented. In particular, the angel who also goes by the name Taylor Swift.
PS. In response to the comment “Why did you use her full name every time I mentioned her name?”.. I don’t know. I guess “Sarah Jaxheimer” which just rolls off the tongue. Try saying it, it really does. Sarah Jaxheimer. Stealer of souls. Haha. Ok, maybe too far.
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