Before I begin, I haven’t ranted in awhile, so if you’re a new reader, rest assured that I do this (a lot) and if I offend you, I apologize in advance. Just don’t read anything which is categorized “rant” and you’ll be ok. I’m not sarcastically apologizing, I just have some strong opinions on things which thrive well in the milieu of my blog but not so well in the outside world.
Dear girl in front of me in grocery checkout lane –
PLEASE stop loudly complaining about how your diet isn’t working with your friend on the phone.
First of all, on the checkout conveyor belt, I see 6 pints of ice cream, some microwave meals, and a Cosmo issue which boldly proclaims “Blast your gut.” Oh, and it’s not even those semi-healthy microwave meals either. She’s got like the Swanson Hungry Man meals. Those meals probably are not even in the same aisle as the healthy(er) ones like Lean Cuisine. I can guarantee that your microwave meal is going to absolutely loaded with carbs, sodium and preservatives. That’s how they don’t spoil. For those of you skeptical and saying “how bad can they really be?”..
We’re not even going to go into the sodium content.
Secondly, I see around 10 microwave meals, with no other types of produce, meat, or anything which could be used in lieu of a microwave meal. So, I’m assuming that’s all you’re eating. I’m guessing you eat at least 3 times a day, so that’s about 3-4 days worth of food… and yet, you have SIX PINTS of ice cream – probably chunky monkey (pun intended).
Third, you don’t need to be on your phone in the checkout lane. I mean, you can get off the phone for all of 2 minutes to not be a rude customer. Also, you don’t need to have this conversation at all with your friend because we can all SEE that your diet isn’t working. You don’t need to scream it into your pink bedazzled iPhone. More importantly, there is a time and place to be on the phone. The grocery checkout lane is not one of them.
Fourth, stop wearing yoga pants which are obviously two sizes too small for you. Your muffin-top is hanging about 2 inches past your waist… It’s just.. you are so large and the pants are so small – I can practically see the pimples on your butt (it is not a pretty sight, I shudder just thinking about it). Well, I can definitely see the stretch marks on the pants for sure.
Sidenote 1: A muffin-top is a slang term to describe the overhanging fat which dangles over the top of the waistline of too-tight pants. This shape resembles a muffin-top. See example below.
Sidenote 2 (more important than sidenote 1): Ladies, someone please give me some insight, I don’t understand why girls do this.. why wear clothes which are not complimentary to them? Girls are usually very perceptive, they can see that their fat is hanging over their jeans. Why not just wear a larger size? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s not like you are suddenly an outcast because you are wearing a 4 instead of a 2 (what the heck is up with women’s clothing sizes also? Remind me to get to that later). No one knows what size you’re wearing, they can only tell that you don’t fit in those pants. The only person you end up “impressing” is the dressing-room attendant and maybe that girl next to you while you’re picking clothes out. But newsflash: you’re NOT impressing them, they know it’s not going to fit you.
I guess your fat butt is just used to making impressions on couches and other things.
Ok, I’m done. Thanks for listening, girl in front of me in grocery checkout lane. I hope you take my thoughts into consideration.